FINALly

after three years of competing in the Intermediate category (sporadically forced to join the Open category), the day I've waited for is here. A chance for promotion, a chance to advance. I want it so bad, yet I fear the unknown. It's like graduating from college, looking forward to a new environment, yet knowing that the world ahead is a bigger, scarier one.

Much to think about. But now, it's not the time. Gonna put up a good fight and redeem myself from today's trashy performance. Finals - it beckons.

the climb

is it easier to hang on or let go?

i guess that depends on what's fueling you. if hanging on is merely to avoid falling, to avoid the unknown, to keep pressing on because it's the only way you know how - that's not strength. if letting go is your idea of running away - that's not courage.

i need a ledge to rest on

simplicity

you know the kind of question you try to answer, but just can't? at least not in a concise statement. but rather a mish-mash of disorganised answers that come to mind yet don't quite make sense.

at these times i wish things were simpler. i can't blame you for who you are/turned out to be. that's what i (should have) learnt in Psychology. i want to understand all the un-simple things about you, that make you you. i try but i fail because i've never had such experiences before. some sort of cognitive bias stands in the way of me getting into your shoes and running about in your mind. 

what a whole different world that must be.

hiatus

because of exams and deadlines, I didn't get the time to blog. I'll do a DAMN quick summary of the events i noted down in my scheduler.

23rd March - Rachel's 21st. She was all princessy and dressed up as usual. Too many friends to entertain as usual, so we entertained ourselves. Met up with guys I'd not seen since we collected our O Level results. I am absolutely thankful for these events that bring people together. Birthdays, Weddings even Funerals.

25/26th March - A day of storms. I quarreled with Shawn over a whole bunch of things. It was silly (it always is on hindsight). It was about our future and our different aspirations in life. About our expectations of each other and how (or whether) we ought to live up to these expectations. It was a dark time. But all couples go through times like that. And with the support of my favourite friends, I think I got through it all.

27th March, 29th March - A double sleepover. First at Juan's then at my place with the climbing girls. It's all a blur now. But I remember it took my mind away from school for a bit (which is always a welcomed respite) and we talked. Days like this make me wish I never left KE. Or that I could replay my Freshman year. I was happy to host them and make the X course meal (guaca and chips, cheese and crackers, pasta, fried rice, brownies...). Strangers Reunion for breakfast the next day before we parted :)

30th March - KEVII DnD. I was half dead going for the dinner. But it was fun once again meeting up with hall mates, seeing pageant contestants work it after putting in weeks of work.

1st April - The day I attempted half the red roof route :) Roof phobia struck again. Don't like being suspended whilst parallel to the ground.

6th April - Mock Comp! Did pretty well, could have done better :)

6th-11th April - Spent time helping Juan film, edit and put together the video for Jensen's farewell. She did a great job seeing how limited a time we had to complete the project which involved coordinating so many JMF muscles.

10th April - Earnestly watched the Importance of being Ernest. Laughed our (Kris, Jac, Gwen, Juan, Choe, Si and I) heads off.

11th April - Jensen's farewell. It brought about bittersweet feelings. Nostalgia once again. I was :) about the fun times JMF shared. Not the big events where everyone was present, but the little shenanigans during training. People banging into walls. Literally falling over and laughing, setting impossible routes for ahpa. It was sad to see him leave and sadder to read his final email to us. It was also inevitable to think about the end of the year and what that meant for the team. The seniors would graduate and find jobs, some would go on exchange, there will be new blood joining us - all in all it won't be the same. Change.

13/14th April - Celebrated mommy's birthday by bringing her to awesome food. First it was dim sum at Sunshine Plaza (they were almost out of most dimsums. so we adjourned) Next was thai food. And to round it all up, yummy yummy Merely Ice Cream. It's so ironic. Merely and Ice Cream should never go together. It's like AWESOME ice cream. not meh, merely ice cream. Yknow? The next day, we had an extended family buffet at Holiday Inn. Don't ever go there. But for the company, the food wasn't too bad...

The rest of the month went by in a blur of books, notes, files. I flitted  in and out of the craze watching WongFu and going to support the girls at NSSCC.

Summit next post!

A long summary. Be warned.

The week that just passed was definitely one that would go down in books as one of the better weeks in school. 

I had ended my last two tests on Wednesday and to celebrate (though I was extremely exhausted) I wanted to do something. I could've gone home and spent an early night with snacks in bed. But I wanted to Live. And so I did. I Lived spontaneously and decided on a whim to head down to UTown's Rockfest. With Juan, pizza, Somersby and what might pass as music, I had a great great night. 

On Thursday, it was one long day starting way too early. But I'd made a commitment to my future 8am lectures, so I dragged my body to LT12. After that, I wanted breakfast, and was almost resigned to having it alone. Till Juan came along and obliged me with company! 

In the evening, I was close to sleeping while climbing. But it was project day. And I was committed to finishing the purple route. So after two warm-ups, I climbed on. I kept repeating to myself:

"You will do this. You will finish it."

"Don't ask for tight, keep going"

"The xiao meis are learning to lead fall, if you're going to fall, you will do a proper lead fall."

And with that, I finished my project route. Perhaps a little later than I would have liked. But I was pleased, nonetheless. I was happy about training for once in a long time. "When the body fails, the MIND takes over" - that day, I really believed so.

On Friday night, my third day back in UTown, I watched "Will you still Love me if I'm ___?" It was a double-bill. Two plays, one by Jaryl, the latter by our dearest Gwen.

Two Happy Sons. It wasn't the theme of sexuality and personal choices that really rocked me. Instead, I felt impelled to stand and applaud because of the relationships in the play. Mothers and their Sons. Especially in Scene 6: Coming Out. It made me wonder how much our parents know about us. The things we choose to hide from them. A conscious effort on our part to keep secrets, which turn into lies and stories, and finally an unconscious action altogether. It made me think about the stereotypes in society and how true/false these images are. It made me consider God and religion. The way we treat Him like an answering machine, someone to go to only in times of doubt and in search of solutions. I loved the play. And like I've told Jaryl, he's a genius.

Two in the Morning. I'd read the play before Asher and Annie played it out. And though there were times I wished the acting was less pretentious and showy, I cared less about the actors and I cared more about the story. The story of two people. Who were too close to be friends, and too messed up to be more. And I felt so much for Gwen's story. Because I know exactly what that's like off-stage. It's underlying messages are sad despite Gwen's signature interjections of humour and wit. Jo asked why I was crying 'cos it ended well right? 

"How did your version of us getting together begin?"

"With a kiss."

No. I don't think it did. And that's what made me sad. It's the whole parallel lines story once again - two lines who have so much in common but never ever get together. Alaric and Bianca were so damn close. To be absolutely truthful and honest to each other, in all ways. There was never a need to mask their true selves. No awkwardness, nothing to be politically correct about. Is that not what we all strive to have in our friendships and relationships? Yet the tragedy at the end of the day - that kind of relationship doesn't come with its own flaws and compromises. And yes, that's sad.

After crying (ya la, I always), we took the usual group photos to show the world how lucky we are to have each other in our lives. I know I'll never find another group of friends like the TJCCCClimbers. Through all the ups and downs that sums up 4 years, we still find the time for each other :)

On Saturday, I made myself wake up at 7 to go down to Macritchie Reservoir. I was there to support Shawn and I had time only for one race, he obviously didn't disappoint, emerging first in his 1000m heats. And later on 3rd for finals, but within 1.5s of the winner.

On Sunday, I also supported someone dear to me - my brother, Bryan. I was shaken awake at noon (don't judge) to go down to 100 Guillemard Road. Yes, you may recognise that as Onsight Climbing Gym. But that also was the venue for the IHL (Institute of Higher Learning) Cheerleading Championships - GymKraft that is. Korkor had trained hard for this for a long time. And an unfortunate accident kept him away from competing this time, but I knew I wanted to see what routine he was so excited to perform. I met a few old friends there too. And sat in the suffocating stands with hundreds of other supporters and cheered my lungs out for NUS (Alpha Vimbz, Alpha Verve), NTU (Nee Meng) and of course, KR Steppers. 

The team didn't fail me or Bryan, much like all I've talked about in this post. The emerged champions in the 16-man A Division category. All that hard work really paid off. And I could sense the disappointment in the others. It's like all of that goes to waste. They say winning isn't everything. Really though?