Some days, when the hustle and bustle of life
Or the monotony of everyday chores
Takes over and drowns me in it
I ask myself - Why?
Why do I wake up each morning to face the day
And leave my warm, welcoming bed
To trod to school, book in hand
With the multitude of other young adults
Finding a place in this hubbub while
Whatsapping while updating Facebook while uploading photos on Instagram while checking lecture venues while talking to a friend
We alight from our respective hrududils
Get along with our days, get along with our classes, get along with our lives
So Why?
When we lose track of Why we lose track of How. A dear friend of mine once shared this quote: You who have a Why can go through any How to get there.
We either flit in and out of our narratives heads down, writing chapter after chapter. Not knowing what's next. Not bothering.
Or we stop at a period. We wonder, think and contemplate.
Looking externally for answers.
Rarely, we do so internally - Introspection they say.
I was stuck for a while, not knowing the answer to the question.
I wake up every morning... because I have to?
And Why do I have to?
Because there are lessons to go to.
And Why do I have to go for lessons?
Because it will affect my grades.
And Why do my grades matter?
Because they determine the opportunities I get later on in life.
And you get the rest of this monologue.
When I dug deeper,
I realised the answer I'd been repressing all this time: I wake up in the morning because I need to please people.
Their expectations, demands and wants. These fuel my actions, necessitates my daily pursuit.
It's not a good reason to wake up. And that has got to change.
Saturday, March 16, 2013
Sunday, March 10, 2013
a weekend
to catch up with my family over a hearty movie
to repay my sleep debt
to give myself a break from the monotony that is school
to rethink my aspirations
to consolidate all that has happened in the past academic year
And I ask myself
"Why do I do the things I do? For whom?"
I'm doing things for people I don't care about
Yet that's irony in itself, because I do care.
I Care about their appraisal of me.
Which begs the question - "Why?"
Monday, February 25, 2013
Of intentions, perceptions and social graces
I forgive you and held myself back from acting rashly, because I'm the bigger person. And I have to be, because there are those who are deficient on social graces.
So I've had it up to here with your nonsense. And I do not know how much more of it I can endure before confronting you not-so-nicely to your faces. I can only be grateful to those who've been there through my almost weekly rants.
I refuse to let down, reluctant to let you get through to me. Because I know life is full of people who will try to bring me down and give me shit. And I fight back by holding back. It would be several times easier to stoop down to your level and start an argument. But that's unnecessary, and it would only serve as evidence that I am on par with you. On the other hand though, don't test my limits and think that my restraint reinforces or condones your disgusting habit to constantly belittle and put me down.
I struggle to give you the benefit of the doubt, perhaps your intentions were not what I imagined. Or had you, from the beginning of time, a personal vendetta against me? Just like how you turned K away. But whatever excuses I/people whom I confide in try to come up with, on your behalf, it doesn't seem to acquit you of the one thing you did today.
How can you be quite so nonchalant about throwing offensive words like that around? Does it not occur to you that it was phrased like a personal attack?
Whatever your intentions were, I believe what matters more is how it is perceived by others.
So I've had it up to here with your nonsense. And I do not know how much more of it I can endure before confronting you not-so-nicely to your faces. I can only be grateful to those who've been there through my almost weekly rants.
I refuse to let down, reluctant to let you get through to me. Because I know life is full of people who will try to bring me down and give me shit. And I fight back by holding back. It would be several times easier to stoop down to your level and start an argument. But that's unnecessary, and it would only serve as evidence that I am on par with you. On the other hand though, don't test my limits and think that my restraint reinforces or condones your disgusting habit to constantly belittle and put me down.
I struggle to give you the benefit of the doubt, perhaps your intentions were not what I imagined. Or had you, from the beginning of time, a personal vendetta against me? Just like how you turned K away. But whatever excuses I/people whom I confide in try to come up with, on your behalf, it doesn't seem to acquit you of the one thing you did today.
How can you be quite so nonchalant about throwing offensive words like that around? Does it not occur to you that it was phrased like a personal attack?
Whatever your intentions were, I believe what matters more is how it is perceived by others.
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
on hindsight
I spent three and a half hours getting myself to sleep last night.
First, I was panicky, about today's test (more about that later) - Did I get it all encoded? Had I already packed my pencil? Lead? What about lead??
Then, I was excited about J's birthday and all the stuff I'd do after the bloody test. Imagining how I'd spend the nine days of recess week. I have projects, yes. Essays due. More stuff to study for more midterm tests.
Next I got hungry. I realised I hadn't had anything to eat for dinner. But snacks, while I was studying, kept me satiated. So I went to get some milk.
Milk. Reminded me of cows. Cows that moo. Should I count cows to go to sleep? That would be revolutionary. I mean, sheep - wayyyy too mainstream.
After that, I tried NOT thinking about anything. "Think of nothing" "Nothing" "Nothing". The word appeared behind my eyelids. I started analysing phonemes. /naθɪŋ/
I texted whoever who seemed possibly awake.
By that time it was 0230.
I wondered why humans had no on/off switch. That would be a hell lot easier. No?
I would lie in bed, flip a switch.
Set the alarm, perhaps a mechanical hand, that starts me up again.
Then I talked to J, she told me to feel my pulse.
The repetition helps, she said.
I think I wasn't supposed to count though.
I got till 67, and then I searched "music to sleep to" on youtube.
Sometime around 0349 I fell asleep.
On hindsight, I really shouldn't take afternoon naps so close to sleeping time. But I really did need it.
And about my test? I majorly screwed up. I hate that feeling - looking around the exam hall, wondering what is it I missed/messed up cos how can everyone else know this but me??
Answer: I missed a slide. One slide. That cost me 6 marks.
On hindsight, I'm glad I suppressed the temptation to cheat. What's a grade when you know you didn't deserve it.
First, I was panicky, about today's test (more about that later) - Did I get it all encoded? Had I already packed my pencil? Lead? What about lead??
Then, I was excited about J's birthday and all the stuff I'd do after the bloody test. Imagining how I'd spend the nine days of recess week. I have projects, yes. Essays due. More stuff to study for more midterm tests.
Next I got hungry. I realised I hadn't had anything to eat for dinner. But snacks, while I was studying, kept me satiated. So I went to get some milk.
Milk. Reminded me of cows. Cows that moo. Should I count cows to go to sleep? That would be revolutionary. I mean, sheep - wayyyy too mainstream.
After that, I tried NOT thinking about anything. "Think of nothing" "Nothing" "Nothing". The word appeared behind my eyelids. I started analysing phonemes. /naθɪŋ/
I texted whoever who seemed possibly awake.
By that time it was 0230.
I wondered why humans had no on/off switch. That would be a hell lot easier. No?
I would lie in bed, flip a switch.
Set the alarm, perhaps a mechanical hand, that starts me up again.
Then I talked to J, she told me to feel my pulse.
The repetition helps, she said.
I think I wasn't supposed to count though.
I got till 67, and then I searched "music to sleep to" on youtube.
Sometime around 0349 I fell asleep.
On hindsight, I really shouldn't take afternoon naps so close to sleeping time. But I really did need it.
And about my test? I majorly screwed up. I hate that feeling - looking around the exam hall, wondering what is it I missed/messed up cos how can everyone else know this but me??
Answer: I missed a slide. One slide. That cost me 6 marks.
On hindsight, I'm glad I suppressed the temptation to cheat. What's a grade when you know you didn't deserve it.
Friday, February 01, 2013
High on Agreeableness
After being back in Singapore from my little trip to Bali, I fell sick two day later. I obviously thought little about it, and continued on my day till the evening of Wednesday when it started hurting a bit more than I could take.
My stomach would clench up and squeeze and contract and tighten. And there'd be this sharp pain for a few seconds, maybe more.
Thursday, I skipped an early lecture because the pain kept me up till late. I got to school and after much persuasion, decided to see the doctor. I had already planned and prepared to go for training anyways but promised Shawn not to climb too much. Still, I climbed slightly less than my average effort and did the full 7x8 pull ups.
To this, Shawn said he was upset. He said I wasn't taking care of my body, and that no one can help me if I don't help myself. I know there's some truth to that. But I just couldn't bring myself to skip another training after the 2 I missed when I went to Bali. Being in the gym during training made it close to impossible to not climb hard. Especially seeing the junior girls cranking and knowing for a fact that they climb more than I do - in between training days and all.
I just felt like I needed to show how that despite my illness, I'd still be present for training. Some gung-ho spirit in me could not stand the possibility that someone would think badly of me because of my week's absence. It was like I was out to prove something.
This insecurity I have about never being seen in a bad light just gives me all the wrong reasons and motivations. I'm fueled by how I want others to perceive me. I wish I could say I don't give a damn. I wish I didn't have to agree to everyone's demands and compromise on Me.
My stomach would clench up and squeeze and contract and tighten. And there'd be this sharp pain for a few seconds, maybe more.
Thursday, I skipped an early lecture because the pain kept me up till late. I got to school and after much persuasion, decided to see the doctor. I had already planned and prepared to go for training anyways but promised Shawn not to climb too much. Still, I climbed slightly less than my average effort and did the full 7x8 pull ups.
To this, Shawn said he was upset. He said I wasn't taking care of my body, and that no one can help me if I don't help myself. I know there's some truth to that. But I just couldn't bring myself to skip another training after the 2 I missed when I went to Bali. Being in the gym during training made it close to impossible to not climb hard. Especially seeing the junior girls cranking and knowing for a fact that they climb more than I do - in between training days and all.
I just felt like I needed to show how that despite my illness, I'd still be present for training. Some gung-ho spirit in me could not stand the possibility that someone would think badly of me because of my week's absence. It was like I was out to prove something.
This insecurity I have about never being seen in a bad light just gives me all the wrong reasons and motivations. I'm fueled by how I want others to perceive me. I wish I could say I don't give a damn. I wish I didn't have to agree to everyone's demands and compromise on Me.
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