I'm almost all packed and ready for my trip to Australia!
I'll be heading to Sydney on the 13th of Nov, then to Blue Mountains (paying a visit to Chew) and finally to Melbourne:)
I'm looking forward to the sun! I love summer holidays. Way too many pictures of me looking like a stuffed dumpling standing in the middle of snow.
To the girls who will be climbing in Thailand, stay safe and take care! Come home in one piece ya :) Adieu!
Sunday, December 09, 2012
Discovery
Sometimes we think we know it all.
I remember clearly rebutting my parents when they'd nag. In response to, "Ash, don't leave this here, it will blah blah" or " The right way to do it is to blah blah blah", more common than not I say "I KNOW!". In this half-annoyed, half-self-righteous tone.
The camp I just finished two days back was evidence that I, for one, DO NOT know it all. I don't know myself, even up to this point of reaching the one-fifth century mark.
I was coaching 6 children who were 12/13 years old. I went into this knowing that I'd wanted to do this for the whole of 2012, but hadn't had the opportunity to. It was always exams, school, climbing, other commitments. Every time I've coached a camp, there's this feeling that washes over me which makes me swear that I love doing what I do, and I really wanna do it again.
By the end of the four days, I realised things. It was a self-discovery as much as it was a camp to impart study skills and life skills to these growing kids. I learnt things about myself, I learnt things about life in general.
To summarise, here's a list.
1) I have kakorraphiaphobia. I fear failure. Which makes me unwilling to take risks. Unwilling to T-R-Y because that gives me a zero chance of failing. During camp, that happened as I kept doing what was tried and tested - asking the more experienced coaches to handle certain things for me, to give me advise etc. I dared not to short-change the kids I was responsible for. I was reminded of this when C told me, "What's important is NOT whether you do it right. What matters is your intention. If you do something that you truly feel is good for the participant, so what if it deviates from the standard? Have faith in yourself, stop relying on others and take risks. What's the worse that could come out of it? You get fired? So what. So what. You can leave this place knowing that your heart is in the right place. That you gave it your 100%"
2) That brings me to my next point. I have no faith in myself. How many times have I told myself that others were better off than I am, and there was no way I could get there too. It's like a disease that never gets better. Discounting on my abilities and digging my grave deep. This applies to so many situations I can't properly represent any one aspect. Climbing, studies, my piano, time management.
3) Kids these days have it easy AND hard. As more and more of them become a single child of a family who's willing and able to send their kids for such programs, you can really tell they have it good (without knowing it of course.) This one kid, A, said he'd misplaced his phone. When I asked what his phone number was, he said he didn't know, because it was a spare phone. This spare phone, happened to be an S3. Wow. And A also said, after searching for sometime, that it wasn't a big deal. Because, "it's a reason to get a new phone." So many children are showered with what supposed to pass off as love. This should make them feel blessed. Yet it sucks because these material things cause rifts. Rifts that divide families. It's sad when so many of these phrases are thrown around in camp by children as young as 12. "stepfather" "divorce" "separation". It pains me so much.
4) I am an incredibly emotional person. Ask anyone who knows me well enough. It's a blessing because it's my catharsis. After I'm through with a full blown episode, I grow from it. It is terrible though, because it's something I cannot control. Sometimes it gets in the way of my objective. When I knew I wanted to pursue psychology, the strength AND weakness I possessed were both my emotions. I empathise, I listen. But for the life of me, I cannot emotionally detach. Scroll down a few posts when I blogged about teaching at Broadrick. I strove so hard to think of a solution, of a strategy that would help the NA kids learn better that I actually lost sleep over it. Similarly, during camp when I encountered children who told me about their family problems, like X, I wish I could have told her that it will be fine; I wish I could have talked to the mother about how her marital problems are causing X so much pain.
5) In life, reality always falls short of expectations. After 4 days, just a short period of time, we as coaches want our kids to learn and absorb everything. That, is impossible. I wished so badly for them to undergo some major life change, for them to have some sort of epiphany about life that it clouded my view. When it finally hit me that they were not "up to expectations" I felt sore and disappointed. I started doubting myself and the way I had coached them. I questioned if I had even given them everything I'd got. I had to be reminded, finally, by P. She made me aware that I am "not a miracle worker". Sometimes in life, we aim so high, that when we fall, we fall hard. And that serves as a punishment to NOT have high hopes, or dreams. So I guess the only way to go about it is a constant reminder that you should dream big, but be prepared for other outcomes that may or may not please you.
This was one lengthy post. I am certainly still processing some of these after-thoughts about camp. Thanks for reading this through!
I remember clearly rebutting my parents when they'd nag. In response to, "Ash, don't leave this here, it will blah blah" or " The right way to do it is to blah blah blah", more common than not I say "I KNOW!". In this half-annoyed, half-self-righteous tone.
The camp I just finished two days back was evidence that I, for one, DO NOT know it all. I don't know myself, even up to this point of reaching the one-fifth century mark.
I was coaching 6 children who were 12/13 years old. I went into this knowing that I'd wanted to do this for the whole of 2012, but hadn't had the opportunity to. It was always exams, school, climbing, other commitments. Every time I've coached a camp, there's this feeling that washes over me which makes me swear that I love doing what I do, and I really wanna do it again.
By the end of the four days, I realised things. It was a self-discovery as much as it was a camp to impart study skills and life skills to these growing kids. I learnt things about myself, I learnt things about life in general.
To summarise, here's a list.
1) I have kakorraphiaphobia. I fear failure. Which makes me unwilling to take risks. Unwilling to T-R-Y because that gives me a zero chance of failing. During camp, that happened as I kept doing what was tried and tested - asking the more experienced coaches to handle certain things for me, to give me advise etc. I dared not to short-change the kids I was responsible for. I was reminded of this when C told me, "What's important is NOT whether you do it right. What matters is your intention. If you do something that you truly feel is good for the participant, so what if it deviates from the standard? Have faith in yourself, stop relying on others and take risks. What's the worse that could come out of it? You get fired? So what. So what. You can leave this place knowing that your heart is in the right place. That you gave it your 100%"
2) That brings me to my next point. I have no faith in myself. How many times have I told myself that others were better off than I am, and there was no way I could get there too. It's like a disease that never gets better. Discounting on my abilities and digging my grave deep. This applies to so many situations I can't properly represent any one aspect. Climbing, studies, my piano, time management.
3) Kids these days have it easy AND hard. As more and more of them become a single child of a family who's willing and able to send their kids for such programs, you can really tell they have it good (without knowing it of course.) This one kid, A, said he'd misplaced his phone. When I asked what his phone number was, he said he didn't know, because it was a spare phone. This spare phone, happened to be an S3. Wow. And A also said, after searching for sometime, that it wasn't a big deal. Because, "it's a reason to get a new phone." So many children are showered with what supposed to pass off as love. This should make them feel blessed. Yet it sucks because these material things cause rifts. Rifts that divide families. It's sad when so many of these phrases are thrown around in camp by children as young as 12. "stepfather" "divorce" "separation". It pains me so much.
4) I am an incredibly emotional person. Ask anyone who knows me well enough. It's a blessing because it's my catharsis. After I'm through with a full blown episode, I grow from it. It is terrible though, because it's something I cannot control. Sometimes it gets in the way of my objective. When I knew I wanted to pursue psychology, the strength AND weakness I possessed were both my emotions. I empathise, I listen. But for the life of me, I cannot emotionally detach. Scroll down a few posts when I blogged about teaching at Broadrick. I strove so hard to think of a solution, of a strategy that would help the NA kids learn better that I actually lost sleep over it. Similarly, during camp when I encountered children who told me about their family problems, like X, I wish I could have told her that it will be fine; I wish I could have talked to the mother about how her marital problems are causing X so much pain.
5) In life, reality always falls short of expectations. After 4 days, just a short period of time, we as coaches want our kids to learn and absorb everything. That, is impossible. I wished so badly for them to undergo some major life change, for them to have some sort of epiphany about life that it clouded my view. When it finally hit me that they were not "up to expectations" I felt sore and disappointed. I started doubting myself and the way I had coached them. I questioned if I had even given them everything I'd got. I had to be reminded, finally, by P. She made me aware that I am "not a miracle worker". Sometimes in life, we aim so high, that when we fall, we fall hard. And that serves as a punishment to NOT have high hopes, or dreams. So I guess the only way to go about it is a constant reminder that you should dream big, but be prepared for other outcomes that may or may not please you.
This was one lengthy post. I am certainly still processing some of these after-thoughts about camp. Thanks for reading this through!
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Expectation vs Reality
Expectation: Wake up earlier (than say, noon) get my room and house cleaned and notes/highlighter/textbooks/junk-free. And then feel really accomplished and good about myself
Reality: Wakes up close to 3pm, aching from yesterday, deciding when to start the packing (oh but it's so late, and I'll never be able to finish! And it's not like the mess is hiding my table. I can totally still see it. And I haven't had any food since last night's Ameen. That's definitely not healthy - cleaning on an empty stomach. No thanks. So, hmm, what shall I eat?)
Me, myself and my procrastinating habits. Thank goodness there's no moving out of hall this time.
Reality: Wakes up close to 3pm, aching from yesterday, deciding when to start the packing (oh but it's so late, and I'll never be able to finish! And it's not like the mess is hiding my table. I can totally still see it. And I haven't had any food since last night's Ameen. That's definitely not healthy - cleaning on an empty stomach. No thanks. So, hmm, what shall I eat?)
Me, myself and my procrastinating habits. Thank goodness there's no moving out of hall this time.
Tabula Rasa
Welcome the new change?
First and foremost, I have to explain myself. The load from school and climbing has not been easy and each time I think of writing, I push it away because of the fear of starting again, yet having it turn into some poor shelf with old books collecting dust in a couple of days. Consistency suits me well. I blame inertia.
So anyway, while talking about blogs with the girls in the gym today, I couldn't help but ponder about rekindling the words in this space. Perhaps a do-over. A tabula rasa - clean slate.
It has been about a month and a half since I hit the big 2. My brother's card sitting on my desk reminds of that daily. We're certainly growing old, growing up.
To accomplish that (in some sense) I changed my link, do relink me. But in light of Christmas, the remnants of "snowflake" seeps through in the background. Yay. Christmas. And surely, my old posts remain. I never do wish to be reminded (in person no less) of certain posts, or the events of which the post was derived from. Nonetheless, the past is and always will be a part of who I am growing up. (I'm still growing, alright..) I hope leaving the older posts unedited, uncensored, raw... will give you a glimpse of what I used to be like and how I came to be. But if you may, take them into context, judge me if you must, but only privately, because I doubt I endorse some things I've said then.
Secondly, the blog link. Forgive me for throwing this word at you. But I had to commit to posting regularly, my aim for it to be weekly. Weekly musings... Is weak(ly). So i dug about... and found HEBDOMADAL. Learn it! It might just put this poor unused word out of extinction.
Hepta means seven, as in, heptathlon, and heptagon - gives rise to hebdomadal: a period of seven days.
Lastly, as this is the beginning of a new decade and definitely a new phase of life, I would like to recount 20 things I have achieved (I use this word loosely, as you will find out soon) thus far.
First and foremost, I have to explain myself. The load from school and climbing has not been easy and each time I think of writing, I push it away because of the fear of starting again, yet having it turn into some poor shelf with old books collecting dust in a couple of days. Consistency suits me well. I blame inertia.
So anyway, while talking about blogs with the girls in the gym today, I couldn't help but ponder about rekindling the words in this space. Perhaps a do-over. A tabula rasa - clean slate.
It has been about a month and a half since I hit the big 2. My brother's card sitting on my desk reminds of that daily. We're certainly growing old, growing up.
To accomplish that (in some sense) I changed my link, do relink me. But in light of Christmas, the remnants of "snowflake" seeps through in the background. Yay. Christmas. And surely, my old posts remain. I never do wish to be reminded (in person no less) of certain posts, or the events of which the post was derived from. Nonetheless, the past is and always will be a part of who I am growing up. (I'm still growing, alright..) I hope leaving the older posts unedited, uncensored, raw... will give you a glimpse of what I used to be like and how I came to be. But if you may, take them into context, judge me if you must, but only privately, because I doubt I endorse some things I've said then.
Secondly, the blog link. Forgive me for throwing this word at you. But I had to commit to posting regularly, my aim for it to be weekly. Weekly musings... Is weak(ly). So i dug about... and found HEBDOMADAL. Learn it! It might just put this poor unused word out of extinction.
Hepta means seven, as in, heptathlon, and heptagon - gives rise to hebdomadal: a period of seven days.
Lastly, as this is the beginning of a new decade and definitely a new phase of life, I would like to recount 20 things I have achieved (I use this word loosely, as you will find out soon) thus far.
- Rode a loop rollercoaster
- Pull-ups
- Driving without a license
- Deactivated facebook
- Participated in a pageant
- Had my eaardrums busted while clubbing
- Stopped clubbing
- Lived on campus
- Coined new words: ponded, bub, owldowlable
- Read Watership Down
- Cut my hair short
- Live without data
- Have needles stuck into me with a current running through my body
- OCIP
- Attended Corrine May's Concert
- Loved and lost
- Puked after ingestion alcohol on an empty stomach
- Read Pride & Prejudice
- Witnessed the fragility of life
- Seriously, pragmatically considered life after graduation
So there. I did it :)
P.S: I won't have a tagboard 'cos it attracts spam more than anything else. Comment below! <3 div="div">
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