FINALly

after three years of competing in the Intermediate category (sporadically forced to join the Open category), the day I've waited for is here. A chance for promotion, a chance to advance. I want it so bad, yet I fear the unknown. It's like graduating from college, looking forward to a new environment, yet knowing that the world ahead is a bigger, scarier one.

Much to think about. But now, it's not the time. Gonna put up a good fight and redeem myself from today's trashy performance. Finals - it beckons.

the climb

is it easier to hang on or let go?

i guess that depends on what's fueling you. if hanging on is merely to avoid falling, to avoid the unknown, to keep pressing on because it's the only way you know how - that's not strength. if letting go is your idea of running away - that's not courage.

i need a ledge to rest on

simplicity

you know the kind of question you try to answer, but just can't? at least not in a concise statement. but rather a mish-mash of disorganised answers that come to mind yet don't quite make sense.

at these times i wish things were simpler. i can't blame you for who you are/turned out to be. that's what i (should have) learnt in Psychology. i want to understand all the un-simple things about you, that make you you. i try but i fail because i've never had such experiences before. some sort of cognitive bias stands in the way of me getting into your shoes and running about in your mind. 

what a whole different world that must be.

hiatus

because of exams and deadlines, I didn't get the time to blog. I'll do a DAMN quick summary of the events i noted down in my scheduler.

23rd March - Rachel's 21st. She was all princessy and dressed up as usual. Too many friends to entertain as usual, so we entertained ourselves. Met up with guys I'd not seen since we collected our O Level results. I am absolutely thankful for these events that bring people together. Birthdays, Weddings even Funerals.

25/26th March - A day of storms. I quarreled with Shawn over a whole bunch of things. It was silly (it always is on hindsight). It was about our future and our different aspirations in life. About our expectations of each other and how (or whether) we ought to live up to these expectations. It was a dark time. But all couples go through times like that. And with the support of my favourite friends, I think I got through it all.

27th March, 29th March - A double sleepover. First at Juan's then at my place with the climbing girls. It's all a blur now. But I remember it took my mind away from school for a bit (which is always a welcomed respite) and we talked. Days like this make me wish I never left KE. Or that I could replay my Freshman year. I was happy to host them and make the X course meal (guaca and chips, cheese and crackers, pasta, fried rice, brownies...). Strangers Reunion for breakfast the next day before we parted :)

30th March - KEVII DnD. I was half dead going for the dinner. But it was fun once again meeting up with hall mates, seeing pageant contestants work it after putting in weeks of work.

1st April - The day I attempted half the red roof route :) Roof phobia struck again. Don't like being suspended whilst parallel to the ground.

6th April - Mock Comp! Did pretty well, could have done better :)

6th-11th April - Spent time helping Juan film, edit and put together the video for Jensen's farewell. She did a great job seeing how limited a time we had to complete the project which involved coordinating so many JMF muscles.

10th April - Earnestly watched the Importance of being Ernest. Laughed our (Kris, Jac, Gwen, Juan, Choe, Si and I) heads off.

11th April - Jensen's farewell. It brought about bittersweet feelings. Nostalgia once again. I was :) about the fun times JMF shared. Not the big events where everyone was present, but the little shenanigans during training. People banging into walls. Literally falling over and laughing, setting impossible routes for ahpa. It was sad to see him leave and sadder to read his final email to us. It was also inevitable to think about the end of the year and what that meant for the team. The seniors would graduate and find jobs, some would go on exchange, there will be new blood joining us - all in all it won't be the same. Change.

13/14th April - Celebrated mommy's birthday by bringing her to awesome food. First it was dim sum at Sunshine Plaza (they were almost out of most dimsums. so we adjourned) Next was thai food. And to round it all up, yummy yummy Merely Ice Cream. It's so ironic. Merely and Ice Cream should never go together. It's like AWESOME ice cream. not meh, merely ice cream. Yknow? The next day, we had an extended family buffet at Holiday Inn. Don't ever go there. But for the company, the food wasn't too bad...

The rest of the month went by in a blur of books, notes, files. I flitted  in and out of the craze watching WongFu and going to support the girls at NSSCC.

Summit next post!

A long summary. Be warned.

The week that just passed was definitely one that would go down in books as one of the better weeks in school. 

I had ended my last two tests on Wednesday and to celebrate (though I was extremely exhausted) I wanted to do something. I could've gone home and spent an early night with snacks in bed. But I wanted to Live. And so I did. I Lived spontaneously and decided on a whim to head down to UTown's Rockfest. With Juan, pizza, Somersby and what might pass as music, I had a great great night. 

On Thursday, it was one long day starting way too early. But I'd made a commitment to my future 8am lectures, so I dragged my body to LT12. After that, I wanted breakfast, and was almost resigned to having it alone. Till Juan came along and obliged me with company! 

In the evening, I was close to sleeping while climbing. But it was project day. And I was committed to finishing the purple route. So after two warm-ups, I climbed on. I kept repeating to myself:

"You will do this. You will finish it."

"Don't ask for tight, keep going"

"The xiao meis are learning to lead fall, if you're going to fall, you will do a proper lead fall."

And with that, I finished my project route. Perhaps a little later than I would have liked. But I was pleased, nonetheless. I was happy about training for once in a long time. "When the body fails, the MIND takes over" - that day, I really believed so.

On Friday night, my third day back in UTown, I watched "Will you still Love me if I'm ___?" It was a double-bill. Two plays, one by Jaryl, the latter by our dearest Gwen.

Two Happy Sons. It wasn't the theme of sexuality and personal choices that really rocked me. Instead, I felt impelled to stand and applaud because of the relationships in the play. Mothers and their Sons. Especially in Scene 6: Coming Out. It made me wonder how much our parents know about us. The things we choose to hide from them. A conscious effort on our part to keep secrets, which turn into lies and stories, and finally an unconscious action altogether. It made me think about the stereotypes in society and how true/false these images are. It made me consider God and religion. The way we treat Him like an answering machine, someone to go to only in times of doubt and in search of solutions. I loved the play. And like I've told Jaryl, he's a genius.

Two in the Morning. I'd read the play before Asher and Annie played it out. And though there were times I wished the acting was less pretentious and showy, I cared less about the actors and I cared more about the story. The story of two people. Who were too close to be friends, and too messed up to be more. And I felt so much for Gwen's story. Because I know exactly what that's like off-stage. It's underlying messages are sad despite Gwen's signature interjections of humour and wit. Jo asked why I was crying 'cos it ended well right? 

"How did your version of us getting together begin?"

"With a kiss."

No. I don't think it did. And that's what made me sad. It's the whole parallel lines story once again - two lines who have so much in common but never ever get together. Alaric and Bianca were so damn close. To be absolutely truthful and honest to each other, in all ways. There was never a need to mask their true selves. No awkwardness, nothing to be politically correct about. Is that not what we all strive to have in our friendships and relationships? Yet the tragedy at the end of the day - that kind of relationship doesn't come with its own flaws and compromises. And yes, that's sad.

After crying (ya la, I always), we took the usual group photos to show the world how lucky we are to have each other in our lives. I know I'll never find another group of friends like the TJCCCClimbers. Through all the ups and downs that sums up 4 years, we still find the time for each other :)

On Saturday, I made myself wake up at 7 to go down to Macritchie Reservoir. I was there to support Shawn and I had time only for one race, he obviously didn't disappoint, emerging first in his 1000m heats. And later on 3rd for finals, but within 1.5s of the winner.

On Sunday, I also supported someone dear to me - my brother, Bryan. I was shaken awake at noon (don't judge) to go down to 100 Guillemard Road. Yes, you may recognise that as Onsight Climbing Gym. But that also was the venue for the IHL (Institute of Higher Learning) Cheerleading Championships - GymKraft that is. Korkor had trained hard for this for a long time. And an unfortunate accident kept him away from competing this time, but I knew I wanted to see what routine he was so excited to perform. I met a few old friends there too. And sat in the suffocating stands with hundreds of other supporters and cheered my lungs out for NUS (Alpha Vimbz, Alpha Verve), NTU (Nee Meng) and of course, KR Steppers. 

The team didn't fail me or Bryan, much like all I've talked about in this post. The emerged champions in the 16-man A Division category. All that hard work really paid off. And I could sense the disappointment in the others. It's like all of that goes to waste. They say winning isn't everything. Really though?

Why do you wake up every morning?

Some days, when the hustle and bustle of life
Or the monotony of everyday chores
Takes over and drowns me in it
I ask myself - Why?

Why do I wake up each morning to face the day
And leave my warm, welcoming bed
To trod to school, book in hand
With the multitude of other young adults
Finding a place in this hubbub while
Whatsapping while updating Facebook while uploading photos on Instagram while checking lecture venues while talking to a friend

We alight from our respective hrududils
Get along with our days, get along with our classes, get along with our lives

So Why?

When we lose track of Why we lose track of How. A dear friend of mine once shared this quote: You who have a Why can go through any How to get there.

We either flit in and out of our narratives heads down, writing chapter after chapter. Not knowing what's next. Not bothering.
Or we stop at a period. We wonder, think and contemplate.
Looking externally for answers.
Rarely, we do so internally - Introspection they say.

I was stuck for a while, not knowing the answer to the question.
I wake up every morning... because I have to?
And Why do I have to?
Because there are lessons to go to.
And Why do I have to go for lessons?
Because it will affect my grades.
And Why do my grades matter?
Because they determine the opportunities I get later on in life.

And you get the rest of this monologue.

When I dug deeper,
I realised the answer I'd been repressing all this time: I wake up in the morning because I need to please people.

Their expectations, demands and wants. These fuel my actions, necessitates my daily pursuit.


It's not a good reason to wake up. And that has got to change.

a weekend

to catch up with my family over a hearty movie

to repay my sleep debt

to give myself a break from the monotony that is school

to rethink my aspirations

to consolidate all that has happened in the past academic year

And I ask myself

"Why do I do the things I do? For whom?"

I'm doing things for people I don't care about

Yet that's irony in itself, because I do care.

I Care about their appraisal of me. 

Which begs the question - "Why?"

Of intentions, perceptions and social graces

I forgive you and held myself back from acting rashly, because I'm the bigger person. And I have to be, because there are those who are deficient on social graces.

So I've had it up to here with your nonsense. And I do not know how much more of it I can endure before confronting you not-so-nicely to your faces. I can only be grateful to those who've been there through my almost weekly rants.

I refuse to let down, reluctant to let you get through to me. Because I know life is full of people who will try to bring me down and give me shit. And I fight back by holding back. It would be several times easier to stoop down to your level and start an argument. But that's unnecessary, and it would only serve as evidence that I am on par with you. On the other hand though, don't test my limits and think that my restraint reinforces or condones your disgusting habit to constantly belittle and put me down.

I struggle to give you the benefit of the doubt, perhaps your intentions were not what I imagined. Or had you, from the beginning of time, a personal vendetta against me? Just like how you turned K away. But whatever excuses I/people whom I confide in try to come up with, on your behalf, it doesn't seem to acquit you of the one thing you did today.

How can you be quite so nonchalant about throwing offensive words like that around? Does it not occur to you that it was phrased like a personal attack?

Whatever your intentions were, I believe what matters more is how it is perceived by others.

on hindsight

I spent three and a half hours getting myself to sleep last night.

First, I was panicky, about today's test (more about that later) - Did I get it all encoded? Had I already packed my pencil? Lead? What about lead??
Then, I was excited about J's birthday and all the stuff I'd do after the bloody test. Imagining how I'd spend the nine days of recess week. I have projects, yes. Essays due. More stuff to study for more midterm tests.
Next I got hungry. I realised I hadn't had anything to eat for dinner. But snacks, while I was studying, kept me satiated. So I went to get some milk.
Milk. Reminded me of cows. Cows that moo. Should I count cows to go to sleep? That would be revolutionary. I mean, sheep - wayyyy too mainstream.
After that, I tried NOT thinking about anything. "Think of nothing" "Nothing" "Nothing". The word appeared behind my eyelids. I started analysing phonemes. /naθɪŋ/
I texted whoever who seemed possibly awake.
By that time it was 0230.
I wondered why humans had no on/off switch. That would be a hell lot easier. No?
I would lie in bed, flip a switch.
Set the alarm, perhaps a mechanical hand, that starts me up again.
Then I talked to J, she told me to feel my pulse.
The repetition helps, she said.
I think I wasn't supposed to count though.
I got till 67, and then I searched "music to sleep to" on youtube.

Sometime around 0349 I fell asleep.

On hindsight, I really shouldn't take afternoon naps so close to sleeping time. But I really did need it.

And about my test? I majorly screwed up. I hate that feeling - looking around the exam hall, wondering what is it I missed/messed up cos how can everyone else know this but me??

Answer: I missed a slide. One slide. That cost me 6 marks.

On hindsight, I'm glad I suppressed the temptation to cheat. What's a grade when you know you didn't deserve it. 

High on Agreeableness

After being back in Singapore from my little trip to Bali, I fell sick two day later. I obviously thought little about it, and continued on my day till the evening of Wednesday when it started hurting a bit more than I could take.

My stomach would clench up and squeeze and contract and tighten. And there'd be this sharp pain for a few seconds, maybe more.

Thursday, I skipped an early lecture because the pain kept me up till late. I got to school and after much persuasion, decided to see the doctor. I had already planned and prepared to go for training anyways but promised Shawn not to climb too much. Still, I climbed slightly less than my average effort and did the full 7x8 pull ups.

To this, Shawn said he was upset. He said I wasn't taking care of my body, and that no one can help me if I don't help myself. I know there's some truth to that. But I just couldn't bring myself to skip another training after the 2 I missed when I went to Bali. Being in the gym during training made it close to impossible to not climb hard. Especially seeing the junior girls cranking and knowing for a fact that they climb more than I do - in between training days and all.

I just felt like I needed to show how that despite my illness, I'd still be present for training. Some gung-ho spirit in me could not stand the possibility that someone would think badly of me because of my week's absence. It was like I was out to prove something.

This insecurity I have about never being seen in a bad light just gives me all the wrong reasons and motivations. I'm fueled by how I want others to perceive me. I wish I could say I don't give a damn. I wish I didn't have to agree to everyone's demands and compromise on Me.

Bali here I go!

title says it all:) i'll be back before you know it!

take care and be safe

the past

Last night, I attended my kindergarten friend's 21st. It was a fairly intimate affair with close friends and her dear family - about 40 people present. It would be close to exactly what I'd want for my birthday.

But that's beside the point. I cannot begin to explain how small Singapore is. Every one is intertwined with the next person in some way or another. Last night was evident of that, especially since most in attendance are turning 21 this year.

I met an acquaintance I knew from Primary School. We hardly talked.

I met a JC friend who was once close to me. Z and I used to share our stories and our faith. It was hard to take in all that I had missed over the last 3 years that I'd not spoken to him. He doesn't seem quite different though I cannot shake off that disappointment at the realisation that he's picked up smoking. I never can with friends whom I care for. Why am I so against it? That's a post for a different time. But I was happy we caught up and the fact that we still had things to talk about.

I met a JC acquaintance. We'd probably never exchanged more than 3 sentences while in JC. It was an "I know him, and he probably knows me, but we don't know know each other". Last night, we exchanged 30 sentences.

I met a boy. We used to have some short history with a long story. It was awkward, terribly so. And he came with a girl, his current girlfriend (friend of the birthday princess). We both were surprised to see each other and I think we dealt with it in a mature, 21-year-old-way; shook hands, did our salutations and smiled if our eyes ever caught the others' in a glance. But that was it. "Hey! How are you?" and then "Take care, goodbye."

Our past is never passed. It merely seems to have left us (and that can be quite convincing if one's intentions are such). But it will always be a part of us. It has a strange way of inching back into our lives, no doubt, and when it does, be prepared to act like it was never a big deal. If it goes as well as mine did last night, you should be able to fool the lot.

not a drive by

love

because if you love someone, you'll let them go.
but be there for them when it all crashes down.

Personality Test

So I'm enrolled to PL3241 - Personality & Individual Differences, and I thought, what better a time to do a personality test. The lecturer uploaded a link (www.personality-project.org) and you should check it out!

Here's my results on the Big Five dimensions of personality (namely - extraversion, agreeableness, conscientiousness, emotional stability and openness). Yes, there is a barrage of words. I will bold those which apply.

Extraversion	Low				High
Agreeableness	Low				High
Conscientiousness	Low				High
Emotional Stability	Low				High
Openness	Low				High
	Percentile		0 ---------- 25 ---------- 50 ---------- 75 ---------- 100

---

Extraversion Report

Extraversion is marked by pronounced engagement with the external world. Extraverts enjoy being with people, are full of energy, and often experience positive emotions. They tend to be enthusiastic, action-oriented individuals who are likely to say "Yes!" or "Let's go!" to opportunities for excitement. In groups they like to talk, assert themselves, and draw attention to themselves.

Introverts lack the exuberance, energy, and activity levels of extraverts. They tend to be quiet, low-key, deliberate, and disengaged from the social world. Their lack of social involvement should not be interpreted as shyness or depression; the introvert simply needs less stimulation than an extravert and prefers to be alone. The independence and reserve of the introvert is sometimes mistaken as unfriendliness or arrogance. In reality, an introvert who scores high on the agreeableness dimension will not seek others out but will be quite pleasant when approached.

Score at a Glance

Percentile	80
Avg. Response	4.7

Your average score on Extraversion was 4.7 out of 6, which is considered high. It is in approximately the 80th percentile for females between 18 and 25 years old.

Your high score on Extraversion suggests that you are sociable, outgoing, energetic, and lively. You prefer to be around people much of the time.

---

Agreeableness Report

Agreeableness reflects individual differences in concern with cooperation and social harmony. Agreeable individuals value getting along with others. They are therefore considerate, friendly, generous, helpful, and willing to compromise their interests for the sake of others'. Agreeable people also have an optimistic view of human nature. They believe people are basically honest, decent, and trustworthy.

Disagreeable individuals place self-interest above getting along with others. They are generally unconcerned with others' well-being, and therefore are unlikely to extend themselves for other people. Sometimes their skepticism about others' motives causes them to be suspicious, unfriendly, and uncooperative.

Agreeableness is obviously advantageous for attaining and maintaining popularity. Agreeable people are better liked than disagreeable people. On the other hand, agreeableness is not useful in situations that require tough or absolute objective decisions. Disagreeable people can make excellent scientists, critics, or soldiers.

Score at a Glance

Percentile	66
Avg. Response	5

Your average score on Agreeableness was 5 out of 6, which is considered average. It is in approximately the 66th percentile for females between 18 and 25 years old.

Your average score on Agreeableness indicates some concern with others' needs, but not so much that you are willing to sacrifice yourself for others.

---

Conscientiousness Report

Conscientiousness concerns the way in which we control, regulate, and direct our impulses. Impulses are not inherently bad; occasionally time constraints require a snap decision, and acting on our first impulse can be an effective response. Also, in times of play rather than work, acting spontaneously and impulsively can be fun. Impulsive individuals can be seen by others as colorful, fun-to-be-with, and zany.

Impulsive behavior, even when not seriously destructive, diminishes a person's effectiveness in significant ways. Acting impulsively does not allow for the consideration of alternative courses of action, some of which may be wiser than the impulsive choice. Impulsivity also sidetracks people during projects that require organized sequences of steps or stages. Accomplishments of an impulsive person are therefore small, scattered, and inconsistent.

A hallmark of intelligence -- an attribute that is often considered to separate humans from earlier life forms -- is the ability to evaluate likely consequences before acting on an impulse. Intelligent activity involves contemplation of long-range goals, organizing and planning routes to these goals, and persisting toward one's goals in the face of counter-productive impulses. The idea that intelligence involves impulse control is nicely captured by the term prudence, an alternative label for the Conscientiousness domain. Prudent means both wise and cautious. Persons who score high on the Conscientiousness scale are, in fact, perceived by others as intelligent.

The benefits of high conscientiousness are obvious. Conscientious individuals avoid trouble and achieve high levels of success through purposeful planning and persistence. They are also positively regarded by others as intelligent and reliable. On the negative side, they can be compulsive perfectionists and workaholics. Furthermore, extremely conscientious individuals might be regarded as stuffy and boring. 

Score at a Glance

Percentile	71
Avg. Response	4.6

Your average score on Conscientiousness was 4.6 out of 6, which is considered high. It is in approximately the 71st percentile for females between 18 and 25 years old.

Your high score on Conscientiousness suggests that you set clear goals and pursue them with determination. People regard you as reliable and hard-working.

---

Emotional Stability Report

Emotional stability is the opposite of emotional reactivity, which is the tendency for one's emotional state to be highly responsive to both negative and positive situational cues. People low in emotional stability are emotionally reactive. They respond emotionally to events that would not affect most people, and their reactions tend to be more intense and consuming than normal. Low scorers are generally more sensitive, emotional and prone to feelings that are upsetting, such as anxiety or guilt. Their pattern of experience can be described as an 'emotional rollercoaster'. They often experience swiftly fluctuating emotions and are easily perturbed from a neutral state toward emotional extremes, such as elation and excitement or anger and agitation. These problems in emotional regulation can diminish one's ability to think clearly, make rational decisions, and cope effectively with stress.

At the other end of the scale, individuals who score high in emotional stability are less easily upset and are less emotionally reactive. They tend to be calm, emotionally stable, and free from persistent negative feelings. Freedom from negative feelings does not mean that high scorers experience a lot of positive feelings; frequency of positive emotions is a component of the Extraversion domain.

Score at a Glance

Percentile	92
Avg. Response	4.8

Your average score on Emotional Stability was 4.8 out of 6, which is considered high. It is in approximately the 92nd percentile for females between 18 and 25 years old.

Your high score on Emotional Stability indicates that you are calm, composed and unflappable. You do not react with intense emotions, even to situations that most people would describe as stressful.

---

Openness Report

Openness to Experience describes a dimension of cognitive style that distinguishes imaginative, creative people from down-to-earth, conventional people. Open people are intellectually curious, appreciative of art, and sensitive to beauty. Compared to closed people, they tend to be more aware of their feelings. They tend to think and act in individualistic and non-conforming ways. Intellectuals typically score high on Openness to Experience; consequently, this factor has also been called Culture or Intellect. Nonetheless, Intellect is probably best regarded as one aspect of Openness to Experience. Scores on Openness to Experience are only modestly related to years of education and scores on standard intelligent tests.

Another characteristic of the open cognitive style is a facility for thinking in symbols and abstractions far removed from concrete experience. Depending on the individual's specific intellectual abilities, this symbolic cognition may take the form of mathematical, logical, or geometric thinking, artistic and metaphorical use of language, music composition or performance, or one of the many visual or performing arts. People with low scores on Openness to Experience tend to have narrow, common interests. They prefer the plain, straightforward, and obvious over the complex, ambiguous, and subtle. They may regard the arts and sciences with suspicion, regarding these endeavors as abstruse or of no practical use. Closed people prefer familiarity over novelty; they are conservative and resistant to change.

Openness is often presented as healthier or more mature by psychologists, who are often themselves Open to Experience. However, open and closed styles of thinking are useful in different environments. The intellectual style of the open person may serve a professor well, but research has shown that closed thinking is related to superior job performance in police work, sales, and a number of service occupations.

Score at a Glance

Percentile	11
Avg. Response	3.6

Your average score on Openness was 3.6 out of 6, which is considered low. It is in approximately the 11th percentile for females between 18 and 25 years old.

Your low score on Openness to Experience suggests that you prefer to think and act in straight-forward, conventional ways and that you typically avoid abstract and untraditional ideas. Others describe you as down-to-earth, practical, and conservative.

_________________________________________________________________________________

If you know me well enough, I guess it's safe for me to say that this test seems inaccurate in 2 dimensions: Emotional Stability and Openness. I would say I'm not as calm, collected and composed as they make it out to be. But hey, it's just an inventory and it's subject to all sorts of biases. Openness-wise... I really would like to think I'm not this straight-forward, rigid-type of person. But maybe 'cos I'm Asian and there's a cultural bias in the norm. Perhaps I should test my scores against a population of Singaporeans? Why else would I be pursuing Psych (against my Dad's initial wishes)? 

Just food for thought. Try it:)

Lead Climbing

So it's been a long time since leading, like serious leading. And so I found myself being a little more than afraid yesterday at the UTown rockwall. I've forgotten what it was like to scale the TJ ooverhang/baby roof. Maybe it's the insecurity of having the rope below rather than above you, or the unfamiliarity of the new wall. I was rather embarassed at my first (failed) attempt of a route because I chose to give up and be lowered. I did give it another go though (after I witnessed Yunni, Val and Su Fern complete it), and gradually I do hope to overcome this irrational fear. I also did another route without hanging at all. And it was a route I knew I could flash. It's a baby step, I know. But a step in the right direction.

This year's resolution will be to commit. If I can't then I must. 

me.

"You shouldn't have to sacrifice who you are just because somebody else has a problem with it." - Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City.


Today, I was reprimanded for doing something which I did not think deserved such a serious lecture. A good, kind deed was misconstrued as being careless, naive and overly complacent that Singapore is a safe place. 

Today, I was reminded that when I do "something wrong", I admit it and I apologise. 

Today, I refused. I saw no wrong nor harm in what I did hence felt it unreasonable to admit that I had "crossed the line". Borderline preposterous to apologise just to appease and endorse what my parents believed in. 

Today, I drew a line and I took a stand.

2012

So. I usually do uber long narrative posts. (Thanks for reading them through) But since 2012 is almost a week past, I'll keep this short.

My 2012 in points:

• Went back to being single after about a year

• 2nd for Team Event in Gravical '12 (virgin podium finish, yay!)
• A single pull-up (long-awaited as well :))

• Plenty of suppers and fun times with block mates (tears and joy)

• Supper/Icing party with Juan & Si (yummy fried rice and the occasional expired food kept a little too long in sisi's fridge)

• Hall Queen (photoshoots, interviews and dance practices - definitely a great experience, but alas, I've to leave my bragging rights behind. Throne valid for one year only)
• Managed 4 pull-ups :) (BIG WHOOP!)
• Met Shawn
• Virgin hair-dying

BEFORE

AFTER

• Cut my hair short (for the first time in a decade - see BEFORE & AFTER)
• Ran for TM
• Went for Corrine May's concert @ Gardens by the Bay
• Became attached :)

• Became TM (thanks for all your support JMF)

• Went for TeamNUS Summit at Gopeng (met new friends, did some never-before-done stuff like showering in a water tank, white-water rafted, slept in a recycled greenhouse)

• Was a part of Bouderactive 2012! Emceed and packed them goodie bags

• Went on my final hall experience - OCIP Laos (a whole new world which I terribly miss right now. Renovated a school to the point of going down on all fours to scrub classroom floors and sweep cobwebs. Not before being "hospitalised" and put on IV for 3 hours. Had great fun during RnR in Vang Vieng 
• Korea trip with Mommy and Michelle and Samyee (yet to do the pictures omg.)

• Camps and more camps (arts camp, climbing camp:)) Having new blood in the team :D

• First time going au naturale (bouldering) at Dairy Farm
• Witnessed the team's strength and friendship at the traumatising injuries of RockMaster 2012. (so happy to see both Daryl and Valerie back on the wall)

• Watched not one, but TWO of Gwen's plays. And looking forward to many more to come:)

• Ended the semester with Sports Award

• Family trip to Sydney and Melbourne, Australia

• Counted down with my darling TJCCCCCCCCC legends

I realised this year was a year of adventure. Of many firsts, of spontaneity, of life. I'm glad how the year passed. And here's to 2013 - to more of living every moment and grasping opportunities as they pass. Because life's too short to be afraid and to demand to be in absolute control. 

Back from Down Under

Just slightly less than a week back, I came home after a long family trip to Australia. Long because 1) it stretched over 17 days, making me miss one camp, one Christmas party and Christmas in Singapore; 2) the family started being sick of each other, evident by more frequent complains, quarrels and disagreements.

Indeed, I missed home. But while there, I really enjoyed myself.

When in Sydney, I learnt to appreciate the safe and clean environment we have in Singapore. The situation in Singapore does not warrant the law to step in to demarcate alcohol-free zones. People don't walk around high at 7pm. I would be extremely worried if my child was out at night there, but not here.

When in Blue Mountains (Katoomba, Blackheath, Shipley, Jenolan), I learnt that going off track beats overrated tourist attractions. I experienced serenity, and awed at trees, waterfalls, caves, rock cliffs and wildlife. I saw my classroom content come to life as I had a Lyrebird encounter. Cockatoos and Rosellas flew in the wild, not in zoos, not in cages. Meeting Chew and Kim, I learnt that their life, though seemingly enviable, had its challenges - I learnt not to covet.

When in Melbourne, I experienced friendship. Staying with Mom and a close friend of hers, I imagined and envied having such friends who would house me and my family for days and fight over who's to pay. I also cooked more than I've ever did, mostly out of boredom. But I realised a real satisfaction and joy in it.

While driving along the coast at Great Ocean Road (Geelong, Warrnambool, Hamilton) I learnt to be a good navigator. Through communication, understanding and patience, we got to our destinations mostly without turning around. We saw koalas and how lazy they could be, kanagroos and their adorable jumping, emus and their graceful walks.

When in the Grampians, we spent Christmas. A quiet, humble affair of instant noodles, and store-bought roasted chicken. It wasn't much - it didn't have to be. The quiet days meant spending more time together. And I definitely drew closer to my family.

I used to take these family vacations for granted, because of all the time I had to sacrifice and because of the many things I had to miss. But I'm starting to have a paradigm shift. These trips materialise only because my parents save up on annual leave and pour money into the costs of vacationing. And for that, I am grateful.