After being back in Singapore from my little trip to Bali, I fell sick two day later. I obviously thought little about it, and continued on my day till the evening of Wednesday when it started hurting a bit more than I could take.
My stomach would clench up and squeeze and contract and tighten. And there'd be this sharp pain for a few seconds, maybe more.
Thursday, I skipped an early lecture because the pain kept me up till late. I got to school and after much persuasion, decided to see the doctor. I had already planned and prepared to go for training anyways but promised Shawn not to climb too much. Still, I climbed slightly less than my average effort and did the full 7x8 pull ups.
To this, Shawn said he was upset. He said I wasn't taking care of my body, and that no one can help me if I don't help myself. I know there's some truth to that. But I just couldn't bring myself to skip another training after the 2 I missed when I went to Bali. Being in the gym during training made it close to impossible to not climb hard. Especially seeing the junior girls cranking and knowing for a fact that they climb more than I do - in between training days and all.
I just felt like I needed to show how that despite my illness, I'd still be present for training. Some gung-ho spirit in me could not stand the possibility that someone would think badly of me because of my week's absence. It was like I was out to prove something.
This insecurity I have about never being seen in a bad light just gives me all the wrong reasons and motivations. I'm fueled by how I want others to perceive me. I wish I could say I don't give a damn. I wish I didn't have to agree to everyone's demands and compromise on Me.
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